Blurb: Calvin is looking to end it all
because he feels his family won't accept him as a gay man. Unbeknownst to him,
someone is watching, looking to pick him up and rescue him from his negative
state. Can Calvin get help before it’s too late?
This is a story of coming out and accepting who
you are. Remember, you are normal and you are not alone.
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Chapter
One
“No one will ever love you or
respect you. You can’t be Sam Carroll Junior and be gay! You’ll be rejected,
your family will never accept it!”
Samuel
squinted. Warm tears streamed down his face, staining his cheeks. With a heavy heart and a lot on his mind, he
sat in the driver’s side seat of his car, alone, looking at the forty-five
caliber gun he took from his father’s lock box. Sammy blinked back the small
droplets and licked his lips. Right now, his mouth was dry like the Sahara and
perspiration formed on his brow even with the cool breeze seeping through the
cracked window.
Sammy
tried to get his wits about him, and give himself some courage. Inner strength.
It’s for the best. They’ll never
understand. They’ll hate you and make your life a living hell! “I know…I
wanna die right now! I’m gonna do it…I’m gonna…”
Just
when he stretched his shaky hand out, his cellphone startled him, stopping him from
grabbing the weapon. He gulped hard, wiped his hand with his sleeve, and
plucked the phone from his inside jacket pocket. “Yeah.”
“Sammy?”
A tired but concerned voice on the other end sounded through the handset.
“What
is it, Brenda?” Samuel turned the key in the ignition until the engine shut
down.
“Where
are you, bro? Been calling you for the last two hours. Ever since you told me…”
“M’fine,
sis. Just thinking, that’s all. I needed some time to myself, you know? To sort
out things.”
“Samuel,
it’s gonna be okay. I told you, you gotta tell mom and dad. They love you, they’ll…”
“No
way,” Sammy shook his head vehemently and interrupted his sister. Just thinking
about telling his father about his orientation made him shudder. “No, Bren. Dad
makes jokes about homosexuals all the time along with the rest of the men in
our family. It’s probably already a dead giveaway that I like to cook and I’m
not into sports.”
“Sammy,
you stop that nonsense talk now! Plenty of men who aren’t gay cook and don’t
like sports. We can get you someone to talk to. The counselors at school…”
“Brenda,
all of them are good friends with dad. They’ll tell him and I can’t have that!”
Sammy slammed the steering wheel hard with his free hand before running it through
his scalp. “I can’t do this, sis. I can’t be a Carroll man and be gay.”
“Yes
you can, Sammy. Now please, come home right now so we can talk a little more.
I’ve been worried about you ever since we had the conversation a couple of days
ago.”
That
was most likely true. Brenda was the only person who knew about Sammy’s latest
revelation. He knew he could trust Brenda not to tell anyone his secret.
Still,
how long would that last? Would Brenda get so worried that she’d tell the
counselors or their parents herself?
“Sammy?
You still there?” Brenda asked quickly.
“Yeah,
I’m coming upstairs. I just pulled into the driveway. Are mom and dad home?”
“No,
they went to a church social with Pastor Leahy.”
Oh boy.
And
yet another person who couldn’t find out about Sammy’s orientation. Pastor
Allen Leahy aka bible thumping, bigoted, preacher who constantly spoke against
gays and lesbians being children of Satan. Knowing how he spewed that constant
hate from the pulpit, his parents would never accept the fact Sammy was gay. He
was positive of that. Surely they’d want the pastor to interfere, to pray the
gay away or worse, send him off to one of those Christian camps they always
sent the sinning young people to. Sammy didn’t need that. He needed support,
guidance, and someone to listen to his feelings.
With
these adverse thoughts in his head right now, negative reactions from his
parents and outsiders would do nothing but make him feel worse. Sammy knew he
was right on the edge and needed someone to pull him away.
“M’kay,
be up in a bit. See ya.” Sammy slid his phone shut and placed it back in his
pocket. His hands were still clammy and trembling from the thoughts in his head
about pulling the trigger. Really, he wished there was another way to end it
all. Pills? He hated taking them. Self hanging? He wasn’t sure how to tie
knots since he never went to Boy Scouts. At least with the hand gun it was
simple to do. He’d been out to the range with his dad before. Animals and the
targets at the shooting range had been his only victims. Never a human and it
terrified him to be turning the weapon on himself.
Despite
this, he knew this was the simplest way to get out of this fate worse than
death; being a gay man, make that, a gay
black man with bible thumping parents who wouldn’t understand being born gay is
okay. They had higher expectations for Sammy. To finish college with top
honors, start his career, then look for a suitable wife to bear them
grandchildren in the near future. They’d said it many times in passing or in
any conversations, even trying to fix him up with young women at church.
No,
Mr. and Mrs. Carroll would never accept their son as a gay man. It was best to
save himself the trouble of disappointing them.
Still
shaken from the events of the last hour or so, Sammy ran inside the house,
huffing like he’d just ran a marathon. His heart thumped in his chest
repeatedly, making this small trek up the stairs seem like he was climbing a
mountain top. In a way it was; meeting with a member of his family, telling
them about his feelings. This however was the smallest hill to overcome. If
Sammy ever decided to tell his parents that would be an even bigger one to
conquer.
For
the time being, he decided to return the gun to his father’s lock box just so
he wouldn’t go looking for it. Still, Sammy kept the key so he could make a
copy for himself in the event he’d need to grab the gun to carry out his
mission. Besides, where would he keep the weapon with his mom still snooping
around his room even at age twenty? How on earth would he explain, stealing his
father’s gun from its secured compartment?
